Take me back to the start
by morphs
Summary: My take on the very beginning of Caroline and Kate. Of course, characters not mine etc etc
1. Chapter 1

Caroline sat at her desk, staring at nothing in particular, thinking about her day. Beverley had gone home, in fact most of her staff, she imagined, would have gone home by now and the school was quiet. It probably would have been too quiet for most people she thought, but Caroline liked it. The quiet, the cloak of tranquillity the building wore when the chaos of the day had left, the solitude. Most of all, Caroline liked the solitude. Her life was busy. Rewarding of course, but infinitely busy and once she got home, there would be a million and one things to do, just like there had been a million and one things to do all day at school. This twilight hour was her only real opportunity to be still, to think, to breathe. It had been a funny day, one way and another, and she was finding it difficult to decide how she felt about it. In fairness, she was having difficulty deciding how she felt about anything at the moment but this was different. In fact, she wasn't having any difficulty deciding how she felt about it, the difficulty lay in her ability to persuade herself otherwise.

Exhaling, Caroline rose from her chair and folding her arms across her chest, stepped across the room to the window. She looked at her watch and decided she should start to think about getting home. Caroline watched the branches of the trees she'd had planted when she first came to Sulgrave dance at the words of the wind and shivered at the thought of having to cross the car park in this weather. Her mother was at home, of course, but the boys would be wanting dinner soon. She looked back across her office, surveying the debris on her desk. Picking up her bag, she deftly sorted the piles into what could wait until the morning and what was too urgent and would need to come home with her. At least she could enjoy a glass of red wine while she attacked the paperwork at home.

Caroline cast her eyes one last time over her desk and the meeting table where she had spread the staff performance reviews earlier in the day. Seeing nothing else she would need that evening, she took her coat from the stand in the corner and put it on, grateful for the warmth it would bring. The old buildings could get chilly after dark and she saw no reason to keep the heating on for her own solitary benefit. Closing her office door behind her, she made her way out to her car, deciding she had better make sure everyone was where they were supposed to be. She pulled her phone out of her bag and scrolled through the numbers until she came to the one she needed. Lifting the phone to her ear, she flicked her hair out of her eyes and waited for someone to answer. Eventually she heard Lawrence's voice.

"Lawrence, it's me. Is Granny there?"

"Ok." There was a longer pause, while Lawrence went to fetch her. She could hear him shouting for her.

"Hi Mum, it's me. Is everything ok there?"

"Great, great. Thank you. Lawrence started his homework?"

"Good. Ok, well I'm just leaving so I'll be with you shortly."

"Ok, thanks, Mum. Bye."

"Bye. Bye."

She disconnected the call and slipped the phone into her coat pocket. Caroline knew that really she should be grateful to her mother. She didn't really know how things would have worked out if she hadn't been able to rely on her. She knew the boys were old enough to spend more time by themselves but this was hard for them too and she really didn't want them to have to fend for themselves any more than absolutely necessary. Not, of course, that John had been all that useful, but he had been there, at home, more often than not at the end of the school day for them. She opened the back door of the Jeep and slung her bags on the empty seat. She closed the door and glanced across the car park. There were two other cars still there and Caroline stood for a moment wondering whether she should go back and send those staff members home. She knew that her own work ethic was intense at times but she certainly didn't expect her staff to feel as though they needed to be in school as long as, or even longer than, her. She looked at her watch. It wasn't that late she decided and got into the car, pulling the door closed firmly behind her, shutting out the increasingly howling wind. Caroline exhaled, placed her elbow on the window frame, resting her forehead between her thumb and forefinger and closed her eyes. It was often, she had found, when she was on her own in the car that she struggled to keep everything pushed down. As if this was her own personal, only private space and somewhere deep down, she knew that, here, there was no real need to pretend she was fine. If she was honest with herself, she just felt empty. The thought of going home and being jolly for the benefit of the boys and her mother only fuelled her misery. What she really wanted to do was cry but she had already done plenty of that and she knew that she would have to wait until the boys had gone to bed and her mother had gone home. She also knew that the way she was feeling was exacerbated by fatigue. She had slept little and poorly for some weeks now and this was having an effect on her focus during the day as well as her ability to manage her unusually unpredictable emotions.

Caroline knew that sitting here in the car wouldn't change anything. She would cry and then she would touch up her makeup and drive home. Only then, she would have to invent a reason for being late so she might as well just not bother and go home. She started the car and heard her phone buzz with the sound of a text. Assuming it would be her mother or one of the boys, she hesitated, thinking she would be home soon, but sighed and pulled her phone from her pocket anyhow. Pressing the button to turn on the screen, she saw that the text wasn't in fact from her mother, or the boys, but from Kate. She clicked onto the message and smiled at the kindness of this woman she really hardly knew.

**Hi Caroline, hope you're ok – ring me, later, if you want to talk to someone. Kate x**

Caroline liked Kate; the languages teacher was friendly, kind, exceptionally good in the classroom and seemed popular among the staff. Kate had seemed to like her too and had been very kind over the last few weeks, extending an unspoken offer of friendship which was unusual for Caroline's staff as they seemed more often than not more scared of her than anything else. Caroline worried also that being friends with one's boss probably wasn't the done thing and she had been prepared for her role at the top to be a lonely one. Kate was different though; she seemed to see that there was something underneath Caroline's Head Teacher facade that might be worth finding and understanding. She knew, though, that she would have to exercise caution, however kind Kate was, however gentle and charming, and at this thought, Caroline sighed heavily and put the car into reverse. Turning out of the school car park, she allowed herself to think back and replay the day's events.

_Caroline had one page of the Mathematics Department Review to read when she heard the bell sound for the lunch break. She closed her eyes and sighed. She needed to finish this. Through the open door, she heard Beverley's voice._

_"Caroline."_

_ She opened her eyes and continued her efforts to focus on the last page of the review. She knew what time it was and where she was shortly supposed to be but she needed to finish this first._

_"Caroline. It's one o'clock. That was the lunch bell."_

_Caroline felt her right hand grip the edge of the desk. She was very close to losing it today. She could feel the stress and the worry and the desolation of her personal life all knotting up inside her and every second brought it closer to all coming out. She took several deep breaths._

_"Thanks Beverley. It's going to have to wait. I need two more minutes here."_

_"Ok. Keep an eye on the time then. I'm going to pop down and get some lunch. Shall I get you something?"_

_"No thanks – I'll get something later."_

_"Ok."_

_Caroline took another deep breath, straightened her glasses and, with great effort, focused on the review. She was almost at the last paragraph when her phone buzzed on the desk. _

_"For crying out loud!" _

_She looked at her phone. Lawrence._

**_You won't forget the rugby Ma will you? _**

_She sighed. She knew this was important to him. She knew that the boys both suffered with her being the Head and that they had suffered more than usual lately. She typed out a response._

**_On my way xx_**

_One more paragraph. Caroline slid the phone onto her desk and turned her attention back to the report. Not really taking in its contents and knowing she would have to come back to it, she got to the end, put it back in the file and placed it carefully on the top of the afternoon's pile of documents requiring her attention. She glanced out of the window. Dry at least. No standing in the rain today. She pushed her chair away from the desk and stood, pushing her shoulders down and stretching the muscles in her neck. She'd been sat still for so long this morning that her body had almost fused into the hunched over position she was so often forced to adopt. She pulled her suit jacket from the back of her chair and swept it over her head, pushing her arms through the sleeves. On the way out of the door, Caroline checked her reflection in the mirror and adjusted the collar of her shirt. She took a deep breath and stepped through the doorway, closing the door of her office behind her. The advantage of having been holed up in her office for most of the morning, as she had been for several days in a row now, was that she didn't have to crank up the Head Teacher exterior to full cover. She hadn't had to face people. Disintegrating in her office was one thing, Beverley would almost certainly know that something was going on, in fact there had been one or two moments when Caroline was sure Beverley was going to ask her what was going on, but holding herself together in front of people was another thing entirely. _

_Caroline took the quickest route to the sports pitches; down the main corridor, past the staff room and out onto the playground. Even though it was March, it was still very cold and the chill of the wind hit her as she stepped purposefully along the edge of the playground to the stone wall from where she would be able to see the rugby on the pitches below. Lawrence had enjoyed rugby since arriving at Sulgrave but this was the first time he had been invited to train with the Senior A team. It had been quite an honour and one he certainly hadn't received through being the Head Teacher's son. The rugby coach didn't do things like that. Lawrence had been thrilled and wanted Caroline to watch, but not from too close a position, so they had agreed on this spot. He would be able to see her, when he looked, and she would be able to see how well he was doing, without embarrassing him. She knew that he would always be able to claim that he didn't know she was there as well. Looking down at her watch she saw that it was almost ten past one, the team would be out any second and she was pleased, and relieved, that she would be there when they did. Feeling the cold as she waited, she folded her arms, and rubbed them, trying to warm herself and gazed out at the fields ahead of her, biting her lip in her desperate effort to stop the tears._

_Kate had been relieved to hear the lunch bell sound. She had been marking in her classroom during her non-contact period and had been fighting taking an early lunch in response to the sounds coming from her seemingly empty stomach. She waited a few moments for the corridors to empty slightly and then made her way down the languages corridor onto the main corridor in the direction of the staff room. She had left her lunch in the fridge in the staff room that morning and she planned to make herself some tea, perhaps have a quick chat with whoever was there, collect her salad and head back to her classroom to finish her marking before the afternoon session began. She smiled as she passed several colleagues on the way and enjoyed the return of her greeting each time. She was happy at Sulgrave; the staff were nice, the students worked hard and were for the most part manageable, and she genuinely felt the school was being led in the right direction. It really had been all she wanted when she had come to Harrogate after her divorce. _

_She opened the staff room door and exchanged polite niceties with the two biology teachers who she didn't really know very well and made her way across to the small kitchen area and the fridge. As she rounded the corner, she glanced out of the window and saw Caroline, huddled by the wall, looking as though she was freezing, gazing out presumably at the rugby practice. As she turned to put the kettle on, Kate wondered why on earth Caroline hadn't got her coat on. She liked Caroline, even though she knew that most of the staff were frightened of their formidable Head Teacher, and she had made an effort to get to know her a bit better over the years she had been at Sulgrave. Kate would even say they had almost become friends. There had always been something about Caroline that Kate couldn't ignore, and she had, many times, taken a longer route between classrooms in an effort to bump into her. Kate often just wanted to look into Caroline's blue eyes, for them to tell her something she felt they told only her. Caroline had always been polite and had become warmer, smiling even during their exchanges, as time had gone on, but two weeks ago, her eyes had darkened and the smiles stopped. Kate had wondered if she'd done something wrong, but it had soon become apparent that something was really wrong. Caroline's mood worsened and there was much speculation in the staff room as to the reason for her increasingly snippy responses and distinct lack of patience with both staff and children. Caroline had been heard tearing strips off the habitual miscreants at high volume from great distance on numerous occasions and this was unlike her; her normally unflappable demeanour meant that usually the staff commented on her unfeeling nature. Kate had tried, several times, to see if she could get Caroline to talk to her about what was going on, but it hadn't been until she realised at last week's choir practice, that William looked as though he were struggling a little too, that she had been more insistent. Once she knew, of course, she felt for Caroline and her pain and she knew, instantly, that she would do whatever she could to help._

_Instead of one mug, Kate got out two, placing tea bags in both. While she waited for the kettle to boil, she went back across the staff room, out and up the main corridor to Caroline's office. She knocked on the outside door and put her head round to see if Beverley was there. Beverley looked up from her sandwich._

_"Sorry, Kate. She's not here. She'll be back by half past I should think though, if you want to come back?"_

_Kate shook her head._

_"I know. She's outside. I just thought I might get her coat – it's freezing."_

_It was Beverley's turn to shake her head._

_"I'll take it, Kate. Don't worry."_

_"No." Kate responded a little too soon and a touch too forcefully. "It's fine. I'm going out anyway. I'll take it."_

_Beverley nodded, doubtfully, but got up anyway and disappeared into Caroline's office, returning a second later with Caroline's tan overcoat._

_"Thanks Beverley." Kate smiled and left Beverley to her lunch and slightly puzzled expression. When Kate arrived back at the staffroom, she made the tea, threw Caroline's coat over her arm and, with a cup in each hand, pushed open the outside door of the staffroom and made her way across to where Caroline stood. _

_As she approached Caroline, Kate realised that Caroline was completely oblivious to the training she was supposed to be watching and to her own presence. Not wanting to make her jump, Kate set the cups down on the old stone wall and placed Caroline's coat gently around her shoulders._

_"Caroline?" Kate spoke softly, realising that jerking Caroline into reality might result in a conversation with Dr Elliot rather than the Caroline she would much prefer a chance to talk to._

_Caroline's hands moved upwards to the coat that had been placed around her as she turned to look quizzically at Kate, bewildered by this unexpected concern. She pushed her arms into the sleeves of the coat, pulling it around herself._

_"Thank you." Caroline's voice was quiet. "You didn't need to come out, Kate." Although surprised, she was, however, secretly, very glad Kate had come out._

_Kate touched Caroline's hand briefly and then reached for one of the cups, pushing Caroline's hand around it._

_"You're freezing. What are you doing?"_

_"Thank you. Yes. I am. I hadn't realised." Caroline frowned as she paused for a moment and looked away from Kate back at the rugby. "Lawrence's first time out with the seniors. I promised him I'd watch." The two women were quiet for a few moments as they both drank their tea, their arms touching slightly as they stood, both facing out to the rugby field. _

_"He's good." Kate, inexperienced as she was in these things, could see that Lawrence didn't look out of place with the slightly older boys. _

_"Yes. He's done very well." Caroline nodded. _

_Kate risked a sideways glance at Caroline and seeing her laboured breathing, recognised it as the conscious attempt that it was to stop her tears. Caroline felt Kate's eyes on her and closed her eyes. She could absolutely not cry in the middle of the school day out here where anyone might see her. That was most definitely not Head Teacher behaviour. Kate waited a moment to see whether Caroline would be able to retain control of her clearly fragile composure. After a few seconds, Caroline's eyes opened again and she met Kate's gaze. These eyes, that had once been so bright and clear and full of something exciting when she looked at Kate were now dark and spiritless. _

_"Caroline...how are you?" Kate risked it, deciding it was more important for Caroline to know that she cared enough to brave asking. There was a long pause. Caroline looked away. _

_"I'm here." Caroline's response was so quiet that Kate almost didn't hear her. Kate waited to see if Caroline was going to elaborate or make any further movement. She didn't. Kate held her breath and reached out her arm, putting it gently around Caroline, touching her shoulder with her open palm, wanting Caroline to feel that somebody cared. For a moment, Caroline remained perfectly still and Kate was pleased, relieved, that given what Caroline must know about her, she didn't reject the contact and pull away as Kate had half expected. Kate moved her hand up and down slowly, gently stroking Caroline's shoulder, still looking out at the field and felt Caroline almost imperceptibly relax into her touch. After a few moments like this, Caroline rested her head against Kate's shoulder and exhaled heavily. Gently releasing her own breath, Kate pressed her cheek against the top of Caroline's head, holding her gently, hoping this was enough. _

_After a few minutes, Caroline lifted her head and sighed again. She turned to look at Kate and, meeting her eye, Kate saw her anguish clearly for possibly the first time. She could see that Caroline was desperate to let go but understood at the same time that she was frightened of what was going on inside her. Kate looked back out at the field and released her hold on Caroline, bringing her hand down to rest with the other around her cup. The two women were quiet again for several moments until Kate realised that Caroline was shivering. _

_"Caroline, come on. Let's go in now. You're freezing." _

_Caroline looked at Kate, and seeing genuine affection in her expression, she nodded agreement and allowed Kate to lead her, Kate's hand gently at her elbow, back inside. This time Kate chose the route that Caroline had chosen when she had left the building some twenty minutes earlier, not wanting to take Caroline back though the staff room, understanding that Caroline didn't need to face anyone else. Knowing both that Caroline was close to tears and that she didn't need to attract attention by silently escorting the Head Teacher through the school, Kate talked to Caroline about the choir and their most recent practice._

_"The choir have made so much progress, Caroline, since the start of the year. I'm so pleased with them. They've moved through all the things I normally start with when the new ones join and we're getting to some really complicated stuff now. They're going to be so good at the concert. I got Felicity Thompson-Wood to try a solo for the first time this week and she was great, Caroline. She really tried and I think she might be able to do it in front of an audience. With a bit of confidence-boosting before then of course, but I really think she might be able to." _

_Caroline was aware that they were making their way quite quickly back though the school and focusing on Kate's words, she was able to take several deep breaths. By the time they reached her office, she felt a bit more like herself. Kate pushed open the outside door and Beverley looked up from her desk. Caroline walked straight through into her own office and turned, not sure whether to ask Kate to come in or if Kate would want to get back to her lunchtime._

_Kate had felt Caroline coming back to herself as they moved through the school and she had watched Caroline draw herself up and march past Beverley into her office. Beverley met her eye and wordlessly, the two exchanged an understanding. Kate knew that Beverley was devoted to Caroline and suspected that Caroline held Beverley in fairly high regard also; in this knowledge, Kate followed Caroline into her office, trusting that Beverley recognised that Caroline needed a few moments without interruption. _

_Kate walked past Caroline, into the office and Caroline shut the door behind them both, briefly leaning on the door as she did so. Kate took a step towards Caroline, not wanting her to retreat back into Dr Elliot. She sensed that something had changed during the minutes they had shared outside and that she might just have broken through a bit more of Caroline's Head Teacher armour. She waited for Caroline to speak. _

_Caroline had rested her head on the door as she closed it for just a second, gathering her thoughts. She really, desperately didn't want to cry on Kate, as nice as she had been about everything, but she didn't want to be alone either. Not yet. She turned away from the door to face Kate who was closer than she thought, waiting. _

_"I'm sorry." Caroline closed her eyes, shaking her head. "I'm such a mess." She took a deep breath and opened her eyes again, meeting Kate's. _

_"Don't be sorry."Kate's voice was steady. "It's hard, Caroline, however it happens, and you're trying to pretend everything's fine." She paused for a moment to gauge Caroline's reaction. "You're trying to keep going, without taking any time for yourself. Maybe if you stopped pretending, just for a minute, it would help?"_

_"I don't know what to tell you Kate. Clearly everything isn't fine. Clearly, I'm only just managing to get my job done at the moment, and that's only because Beverley has been cancelling all my unnecessary meetings and covering for me whenever anyone wants to see me. She thinks I don't know, but I see the way she's been looking at me. I'm terrified that everything's going to come crashing down around me Kate and I daren't stop for a second because honestly, I don't think I could get going again." Caroline took a deep staggered breath in and looked up at the ceiling. _

_Kate knew better at this point to try and comfort Caroline, knowing that it would be shaken off in an effort of self preservation on Caroline's part. She needed to get Caroline to calm down and she knew that Caroline needed her to find a way in. She could see how tired Caroline was, she could hear it in her voice and she knew that Caroline wasn't going to be able to hold on to this for much longer._

_"Caroline, sit down. It's ok." Kate, hoping this wasn't going to be taken as her being presumptuous, took a step toward the meeting table in front of Caroline's desk and pulled out the two cushioned chairs. She sat down in one and gestured for Caroline to sit in the other. Caroline did. Kate reached across and took both of Caroline's hands in hers; they were icy cold and Kate rubbed them in an attempt to warm her a little. "I went to York last weekend." Kate decided to try distraction tactics. "I just decided, when it was so bright and sunny on Saturday morning, that I'd get on the train and have a wander around York. I took a bit of marking, I had a wander around York Minster then sat with a coffee in a lovely little place and did my marking. Then I had a walk around The Shambles, picked up some lunch and came back." Caroline was listening intently. "It wasn't too busy, I mean not like it gets over there in the summer. And the train wasn't all crowded like it gets either. I picked up a beautiful scarf at one of the stalls at The Shambles as well – I was really pleased." _

_Kate talked on about her weekend for several minutes, just holding Caroline's hands in hers. Caroline listened carefully, watching Kate talk animatedly, just taking in everything she said because it wasn't about her and it wasn't about her disaster of a life. After a while, Kate realised that Caroline was smiling faintly. She was quiet for a moment._

_"It sounds lovely Kate. I took the boys last summer to see an exhibition about some video game thing." _

_"How are the boys doing?"_

_"I'm not sure really. William has been very quiet about the whole thing. He's such a sweet boy, I think he's been more worried about me." Caroline touched one hand to her head." And Lawrence is just being cheekier than usual, more full of attitude, and more physical, with William, with things, you know, how boys get."_

_"Have they seen much of John?"_

_"Not really. William hasn't wanted to see him, I don't think. But they're going to spend Friday night and Saturday with him this week. It'll be the first time they've gone over to... you know... the flat." Caroline's eyes dropped and Kate squeezed the hand she was still holding. _

_"They'll be ok." _

_Caroline nodded. The thing was, she wondered whether _she_ would be ok. She wasn't looking forward to the empty house at all and really didn't think she could cope with spending time with her mother. Almost as if Kate knew what Caroline was thinking, she voiced her own thoughts._

_"And what about you? Have you got anything planned for Friday night?" Kate watched Caroline, waiting for Dr Elliot to wave away any attempt to help. Caroline hesitated. No sign of Dr Elliot. "Come to my house Caroline. On Friday night. I'll cook. We can talk, watch a film or something, have some wine. You might be able to relax a bit. I bet you still haven't slept properly, have you?"_

_Caroline shook her head. It was true. She hadn't slept anywhere near all night, not even once, not since she'd found out about John's affair. _

_"Kate, you don't have to-"_

_"I want to." Kate was ready for Caroline to play this card. "We're friends, aren't we? And friends are there for each other. If this was the other way around, you would do the same thing, wouldn't you?"_

_Caroline nodded. And that was when she decided it was ok. She realised that she would have done the same if things had been the other way around. For Kate. Although she didn't think she would even have noticed anyone else. _

_"Ok. So, I'll come and pick you up, then you won't have to drive, and you can get a taxi home. Ok?" Kate saw Caroline nod once more. "I'll come and get you about seven."_

And that had been that. Kate had gone back to her classroom and she'd carried on with her afternoon of department reviews and staffing quotas. But she had spent some time thinking too. About Kate and her extraordinary kindness. Underneath her hurt at John's behaviour, his lies and betrayal, and underneath her fear of the future and of never really being loved again, Caroline found an old familiar feeling growing somewhere deep inside her. She knew, of course, exactly what this feeling was, but she had spent so many years denying the seed of this feeling that it was easy, now, to explain it away as something else entirely. As she turned into Conway Drive, she was grateful for Kate's friendship, thankful that there was someone who cared just about her and that knowledge allowed her to make it through the evening without needing to sit in her car and cry.


	2. Chapter 2

Getting into her car on Friday morning, Caroline was grateful it was finally the end of the week. She had never really been one to long for the weekend; she enjoyed the time she was able to spend with the boys, and John at one time she supposed, but she enjoyed her job too and it was important to her. She had worked exceptionally hard and made a lot of sacrifices to have been in a position to apply for the Headship at Sulgrave when it had become available and she was extremely proud of her achievements and her position. She relished every new challenge that her position brought her and, while it involved long hours and was often emotionally draining, she had never wanted to be doing anything else. Over the last three weeks, however, she had been barely surviving during the day. The unbearable fatigue, terrible headaches and resulting difficulty concentrating, meant that she spent a rather larger proportion of her time than usual wishing the end of the day, and therefore the week, would arrive more quickly.

"Mum?"

The touch of William's hand on hers alerted her to the fact that she hadn't started the car and had instead been distracted by her thoughts. She just couldn't help the constant replaying of the conversation during which she had confronted John about what she had been told and also during which he had admitted what he'd done, over and over in her head. A constant loop going round and round and never stopping.

_ "Just to be clear, we're talking about sex."_

_She looked at John, still expecting him to laugh and tell her it was all a mistake, that she'd got it all wrong. But he didn't. He looked down, fiddling with the sleeves of his jumper, nervously. _

_"I didn't believe her on the phone." Caroline gripped the kitchen counter with both hands, her knuckles white with the effort._

_John looked up at her. Still silent._

_"How long's it been going on?" Caroline's voice was quiet, strangely calm, as if it wasn't really her talking._

_"Just..." _

_"When did you start sleeping with her?" Her voice broke._

_"Oh..erm…..just after…just after….Chr…Christmas."_

_"Christmas."_

Lately she'd seen her life as divided into before and after. Things that had happened before that afternoon she'd found out about John, and the things that had happened after. It was funny, she reflected, how one's life could change in an instant like that. How one tiny piece of information could just change everything. Caroline wondered how long it would be before she stopped thinking about this conversation three thousand times a day. Before she stopped seeing John's face in that moment and remembering how she couldn't breathe, how she could feel her heart pounding so hard that it scared her, how she couldn't think clearly. She remembered seeing her hands shaking, feeling her legs shaking, almost as if they belonged to someone else. It had been as if it wasn't really happening to her, that she was watching the whole thing unfold in front of her as if she was the audience and not the pathetic little woman that everyone was going to be talking about.

She smiled at William, as reassuringly as she could manage, and started the car, glancing in the mirror to check Lawrence had put his seatbelt on. She took a couple of deep breaths, as if to rid herself of the all too vivid memory of that evening, and put the car into reverse. Caroline blinked a few times and shook her head in an attempt to bring herself back to the present and focus on what she had to do.

"Have you got your rugby kit?" She looked again in the rear view mirror where she could see Lawrence's face reflected back at her. When there was no response, she realised he had his headphones in. She sighed and rolled her eyes. William turned slightly in his seat, pushed his arm back between the seats and punched Lawrence in the leg.

"What?" Lawrence rubbed his leg and glared at William. Caroline held her hand out in William's direction, palm down, wordlessly indicating for him to stop, that he wasn't to get into a fight with his brother.

"I asked if you had your rugby kit."

"Yes. I've got it."

"Ok. And you've remembered that Dad is picking you up. Both of you." She looked, in warning, at William. "After rugby. At five. Yes?" Caroline continued looking straight ahead, eyes on the road. No glancing in the mirror this time.

"Yeah. Cool." Lawrence was looking forward to seeing John and knew that there would be pizza for dinner and plenty of treats at the cinema the next day.

"William?"

"Do I have to?" William had not taken John's behaviour well. He had always been very close to Caroline and she knew that he understood far more about what had happened than Lawrence did. He was angry with John for hurting her, she knew that, but she didn't want this to have any more of an effect on either of them than it already had. She was firmly of the belief that children needed both their parents.

"Yes, you have to. He's your dad. He wants to see you. It'll be fine. You'll have fun."

"Fine. What are you going to do? Will you be alright?"

"I'm having dinner with Miss McKenzie tonight and I shall probably take Granny somewhere tomorrow. I'll be fine." Caroline could feel William looking at her. "I'll be _fine_." She reached out, found his hand and squeezed it. "I will."

The rest of the short journey to Sulgrave Heath was mostly quiet. Caroline mentally working through the things she had to do, William silently dreading the evening and Lawrence, tonelessly and without realising he was doing it, half humming, half singing along to the music he mostly used to drown out his surroundings.

…...

Beverley had been amazing. Caroline knew that. She wouldn't have been able to continue the charade of carrying on at school had it not been for Beverley. They weren't _friends_, not in the normal, social, understanding of the word but they had an understanding. They had worked closely together for some years and one couldn't help getting to know someone and developing a relationship with them during that process. Caroline knew that Beverley would have worked out that something was going on, there was no way she had covered it up well enough to avoid that. But she hadn't actually said anything. Beverley had never asked; she had just kept people away from Caroline, almost covered for her and done as much of the work as she could. Caroline had to wonder what Beverley thought was going on.

When she reached her office, Beverley was there, as always, ready to run through Caroline's schedule for the day with her.

"Morning Caroline."

"Morning." Caroline walked towards the door to her own office before making a snap decision and stopping. She turned around to look at Beverley. Beverley looked up at her expectantly.

"Beverley, could you make tea, for both of us please and then come on in. There's something I want to talk to you about."

"Um.. yes...ok...sure, Caroline. Not a problem."

Caroline disappeared into her office and left Beverley to consider what might be going on. She knew that this was a little out of the ordinary; she wasn't sure she had ever actually invited Beverley to have tea with her before. While she was waiting for her assistant to make the tea, Caroline took off her coat, hanging it up on the stand in the corner, turned on her computer and ran her eyes across her desk, recalling the things she had left there the previous evening to be completed first thing in the morning. She stepped around her desk, fingers lightly brushing over several of the piles of papers lying there, and approached the window. It was still early, but the car park was steadily filling up; she watched several members of her staff park their cars and head into the building laden with piles of exercise books and folders. Caroline leaned against the wall, her right hand across her body resting on her left hip, her left elbow cupped in her right hand, as she watched the comings and goings of the car park and thought about how she was going to tell Beverley that she was a complete failure as a wife. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples.

"Ok, I just about managed to salvage enough of yesterday's milk for tea before Alison gets in with today's." Beverley had pushed the door open with her back and turned around the door with the tea tray in her hands. She let the door close behind her and paused just inside the office waiting for Caroline to acknowledge her presence. "Caroline?"

Caroline turned away from the window and met Beverley's eyes. Beverley took a step towards Caroline's desk, but wanting a more informal setting, Caroline gestured towards the larger meeting table. Beverley set the tray down and Caroline pulled out two of the comfortable chairs and sat in one, indicating that Beverley should take the other. Looking down at her hands folded in her lap, Caroline took a slightly deeper breath than the one before and cleared her throat. There was silence for a second before Beverley reached out for the teapot, lifting it to each cup and filling it. Once the milk and sugar had been added, Beverley sat back from the table and her eyes rested on Caroline expectantly. Caroline paused for a second and looked away, not ready to start the conversation she knew was going to be difficult. She'd told her mother of course, and she'd talked to William and Lawrence, explaining carefully what was happening, but no one else knew. There had been no one else to tell. Except Kate. Kate had been the only one who had asked.

_Caroline looked at her watch. Twenty past six. She still had six department budget requests to go through and a folder full of applications for the Geography post that had closed earlier in the day, as well as an inbox full of unread emails. Not that it mattered. She was happy to stay until it was all done; William was at a study group at a friend's house and Lawrence was staying the night at Angus' house. Caroline had no desire to go home to her own empty house any earlier than absolutely necessary. Trying once more to convince herself that immersing herself in her work would keep away the emptiness for just a little while, she opened the budget request from the English department. Barely a paragraph in, Caroline realised that her attention had wandered and she had to go back several sentences. She sighed and flicked the page over, wondering how much of this she would need to get through. Finding several more pages of text and then some costings, Caroline leant back in her chair, her head resting on the back, and pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes, allowing her fingers to curl around her forehead. Closing her eyes, she brought her hands down so that they covered her face and she took a deep breath in, releasing it sharply. _

_When she opened her eyes, Caroline caught sight of something moving in the open doorway. She thought Beverley had gone home._

_"Beverley?"_

_Caroline was surprised when, instead of Beverley, it was Kate who appeared in the doorway._

_"Sorry, it was just me. I saw you were still here and the door was open…. I wanted to… I wanted to talk….. to you, but you looked like you wouldn't want to be disturbed so I just…"_

_Kate looked across the room at Caroline. Caroline pushed herself up from her desk and moved round to stand in front of it._

_"It's fine, Kate. I've just been reading budget requests for the last hour and it's not exactly scintillating reading."_

_Kate smiled. She had prepared herself for this to be a difficult conversation. She knew that somewhere underneath the often abrupt Dr Elliot exterior, there was a softer Caroline. She had seen brief evidence of this on not more than a couple of occasions but it was enough to understand that investing a little time and care in finding _that_ Caroline would be worth it. Nevertheless, she had tried to broach this subject with Caroline a couple of times in the last few days and had been met with the usual Dr Elliot bluster about being fine and it being a busy time of year. Kate, however, had not been fooled. Indeed, no one in school was fooled by this; it was very clear that something was wrong and Kate was fed up with hearing her colleagues complain about Caroline being more of a 'bitch' than usual and rolling their eyes whenever they talked about her. More than that though, she was worried about Caroline. She looked terrible, as if she hadn't slept in days, weeks even, and her usual vibrancy was very noticeably absent, replaced by a sort of vague listlessness. Kate had passed Caroline several times in the corridor since the beginning of the week and she had barely even made eye contact, let alone smiled or stopped to ask Kate about the choir or some other minor detail. She wondered perhaps if Caroline's mother was unwell, or even her husband, and deliberated as to whether she had anyone to talk to about it or if the reason that her behaviour and demeanour were so unusual was that she didn't. _

_"I don't know. Can't you just say yes to everything and be done with it?" Kate smiled again._

_Caroline raised an eyebrow._

_"Well, I certainly wish I could, Kate. Wouldn't that be better for everyone?" Caroline smiled weakly. "What can I do for you?" _

_In the relatively bright light of the office, Kate noticed the dark shadows under Caroline's eyes and how pale she looked. _

_"I…" Kate looked at the floor and then back to Caroline's face. "I saw the doors open and the light on in here and thought you must still be here." Kate stepped further into the office and towards Caroline, stopping an arm's length away from her._

_"Like I said, I have all these budget requests to get though and a whole pile of applications for the Geography post." Caroline leant back against the desk and sighed. "And I have about three thousand bloody emails to go through as well. Half of them will be rubbish about things I don't need to know, but….. well, you know the sort of thing." _

_There was a brief silence as Caroline shook her head and Kate waited to see if she would say any more, before voicing her concern._

_"You look tired."_

_After a moment, the response Kate was expecting._

_"Well, you know. Long day, busy time of year. Still weeks until the holidays…."_

_Kate tilted her head slightly to the side, eyes never leaving Caroline's face. She reached out and touched Caroline's arm gently._

_"You look sad."_

_Caroline looked at Kate for several seconds and then away towards the door. She folded her arms across her body and moved away from the desk, turning away from Kate and looking out of the window. In an effort to create some safety for Caroline, Kate closed the door of the office and moved to stand next to her at the window, their arms almost touching. _

_"Tell me." Kate's voice was quiet. She continued to look out of the window, rather than at Caroline's face. _

_Caroline shook her head._

_"It's…I….I'm…" _

_"Tell me." Kate was gentle, but insistent. _

_Caroline closed her eyes and breathed slowly in and out. She wasn't used to being pressed like this. People usually didn't ask her about herself. But Kate was different. Kate seemed to be genuinely concerned and Caroline understood that trying to keep this to herself now was futile; she doubted that Kate was going to give up easily._

_"It's… John…. John's moved out. He….er….he….." She faltered. Her voice so quiet that Kate wouldn't have been able to hear her had she not been standing so close._

_"Oh, Caroline." Kate exhaled heavily. The two women stood side by side for several minutes. Neither spoke. Eventually, Kate found her words. "How long...I mean...when did he...?"_

_"Almost two weeks ago." Caroline's voice shook. "He...he'd been seeing someone else. One of the departmental secretaries at the university rang me and told me." _

_Kate turned her body slightly towards Caroline, reaching out to place her hand gently over Caroline's own. Caroline closed her eyes and bent her head almost imperceptibly towards Kate, giving in to her touch. Kate stroked the back of Caroline's hand with her thumb and returned her gaze to the car park, now beginning to darken in the early evening. After a few minutes, Caroline sighed and looked up at Kate. _

_"What am I going to do?" Her voice weak, vulnerability evident in her voice._

_Kate was able to see, easily, in Caroline's face, how difficult this was for her. She knew from her own experiences how hard it was to admit a failed marriage and that in the beginning the feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming, however it happens. She'd been the one to initiate the split with Richard, but that hadn't made it easy at all. She squeezed Caroline's hand. _

_"I don't know, Caroline. It's going to take a bit of time I think." _

_Caroline's shoulders dropped and she looked up at the ceiling before turning away from Kate and sinking into one of the cushioned chairs at the meeting table. She rested her elbows on the table and let her head fall into her hands. Kate watched her from the window for a few moments before coming to sit next to her, pulling the chair close and resting her hand on Caroline's knee. _

_"I know it feels hopeless, Caroline, and you won't be able to think about this now, but it will be ok. You will be ok." Kate spoke softly. "And the boys will be too."_

_"I feel ridiculous." Caroline brought her hands down to her lap and her eyes followed them._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"How did I not know? Why didn't I see this coming? I just... I feel like an idiot. And that's what everyone's going to say isn't it? Poor bitch, didn't know for five months that her husband was sleeping with another woman." Caroline looked almost pleadingly at Kate. "Five months, Kate. And we were still sharing a bed. We were still…." _

_Kate pursed her lips together and her brow tightened in concern for Caroline. _

_"It's not your fault, Caroline." She shook her head. "No one's going to think you're an idiot." Looking down, she moved her hand from Caroline's knee to take her hand and held it firmly in her own. She felt Caroline's fingers close around hers and when she looked back up at Caroline's face, she found her eyes closed again. _

_Caroline could feel tears gathering behind her eyelids and as she tried to get herself under control, she grasped Kate's hand tightly. She couldn't remember the last time she'd allowed herself to cry in front of anyone; usually she managed to save these occasions for late at night after the boys were in bed. She felt Kate's thumb steadily stroking the back of her hand again and surprised at how natural it felt, Caroline opened her eyes and allowed the tears to fall, understanding that she didn't need to hide them. Kate's face showed no judgement, just concern and something Caroline perceived to be genuine affection. It had been a long time since anybody she worked with, except Beverley, had shown concern or anything remotely resembling affection for Caroline and she accepted it, soaking up the comfort that Kate's presence and care provided._

_Kate was silent for several minutes, watching Caroline's face carefully. She hadn't expected Caroline's tears; she was always so cool, so professional, that any sort of personal conversation was usually impossible. She was an expert at deflection, at changing the subject or sometimes simply shutting down any attempt at any sort of conversation not directly related to school life. But Kate had persisted, at every available opportunity: concerts, student events, the trip to Paris. And it had all been worth it. She had seen Caroline's eyes close and watched the expression on her face change half a dozen times before they opened again, releasing long held tears. She saw Caroline struggle with herself and recognised Caroline's realisation that Kate could be trusted, that Caroline was safe._

_"I haven't been able to tell anyone." Caroline's voice was quiet. She didn't know why she was telling Kate this except that she wanted her to know that she wasn't in the habit of blurting out personal details or crying in front of her staff. _

_"Not anyone?"_

_Caroline shook her head._

_"My mother. And the boys, obviously. But no. No one else." Caroline's eyes were fixed on a point somewhere on the opposite side of the meeting table. She didn't trust herself with eye contact. "I…um…there isn't anyone else." _

_"Oh Caroline." Kate reached out with her free hand and brushed a tear from Caroline's chin. "And you've been dealing with this all by yourself for two weeks? Why didn't you tell me?"_

_"I…uh….I…" Caroline wasn't sure what to say. It hadn't entered her head to tell anyone. She'd been working so hard to keep it all inside her, to hide it, that she hadn't considered that actually telling someone might help. She took in a long, laboured breath and felt Kate's fingers tighten around her own. "My mum's been helping with the boys. You know, being there when they get home, making their tea… that sort of thing."_

_"What about you, Caroline? Is she there when you get home? Or have you been pretending everything is ok and sending her away as well?"_

_Caroline looked down at her lap. _

_"I would have been here sooner, Caroline…. If I'd known."_

_Caroline sighed and brought her free hand to her face, rubbing her forehead._

_"God, I've been awful haven't I? I dread to think what everyone's saying about me. I just… I can't seem to…. Kate, I'm so tired and I can't seem to think properly and I haven't got a clue what I'm going to do."_

_Kate placed her hand on top of Caroline's, so she was holding it in both of hers, and dipped her head down to catch Caroline's eyes._

_"Caroline, it's ok. You haven't got to do anything straight away. I think you have to give yourself a bit of time to get used to what's happened and to look after yourself. You're exhausted. Have you slept at all?"_

_"Not really. A couple of hours here and there, mostly early morning. I just lie there for hours and eventually fall asleep just before the alarm goes off."_

_Kate brushed another tear away from Caroline's cheek with the backs of her fingers and held Caroline's eyes._

_"It will get better. I promise. I'll help you."_

And she had. Kate had shown Caroline a meditation exercise and brought her a package of camomile tea and a herbal supplement to help her sleep. She'd checked in with Caroline every day, in person or by text or email and somehow Caroline hadn't felt quite so alone. However, Kate escorting her back to her office, almost in tears two days ago was bound to have got Beverley's attention and she somehow felt it wasn't right to hide it from her any more. Beverley, as it turned out, hadn't been surprised. She'd known something was very wrong from Caroline's appearance and unusual behaviour and John hadn't rung Caroline's office line once in those two weeks since he'd left. She had offered whatever help she might be able to provide and quietly returned to her desk, discretely excusing Caroline from any discussion about how she was feeling or what she was going to do. Caroline had sat back in her chair feeling extremely relieved and not quite as hopeless as before.


End file.
